No one took their first sip planning on being trapped into the vortex that is alcohol addiction. I am only 25 and undergoing treatment, a combination of counselling and campral. Part of this is coming to terms with what exactly alcohol has displaced during my life. Although everyone has their own story, I am hoping mine will resonate with someone out there.
Alcohol has always been present, during the bad, the good and the mundane. When I get asked what my triggers are ..I say everything! I am probably just wired differently…both my parents are alcoholics.I have no doubt that the filter in my brain that says one is enough just simply does not act the same as people who can drink moderately. I have had periods of abstinence but eventually I would get so preoccupied on drinking again, I would give in just to get it over it with. Did I enjoy being sober? I did but it didn’t meet my expectations of the ‘perfect’ life that I envisaged.
When I started drinking, I always said I could never understand how people like my mother could drink a bottle of red on a nightly basis..that would never be me. Or I could never see myself drinking beers in the middle of the day like my father.
Why do i drink? It makes the good times better, the boring more exciting and the bad tolerable. When I drink, It is like a party in my mind where all my friends are there. But in reality, it just me drinking alone in a bar after work. I think I am constantly in a pull of trying to empathise with my parents experience but trying to desperately prove that I am not doomed by their genetics and treatment of me during childhood.
Every night I pledge that this will be my last drink, that I deserve better.. a life that is fulfilling and free from the control of alcohol.
I look forward to hearing your story.